How to Live Now to Have No Regrets Later

Most of us have regrets. I am living life now in a way that leads to less regrets later. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned, to live my life now, so that I have no regrets later.

A friend asked me—do you think about people from your past and wished you had loved them more.

I said, yes, I really do. I thought of so many people who have been in my life, who I did not love as well as I could have. Of course I have regrets about them!

And then I was quiet. Because a thought came to me.

I wished I had loved myself more too.

You see, I didn’t always love myself. 

And I don’t mean love myself in a narcissist selfish way. I mean simply loving myself enough to have the courage to set good boundaries, loving myself enough to not settle too early, and loving myself to honor my true self.

I don’t blame anyone for that or even myself. It just was. I grew up in a time and a place and a family where while I was loved, I wasn’t particularly told that I was wonderful. 

I grew up filled with self-doubt and feelings of guilt.  And I definitely did not feel good enough. I’m not saying anyone ever said these things—but it’s what I internalized while growing up.

Over the years I’ve done a lot of things to make those feelings of not feeling like enough go away. And not always in healthy ways! I have regrets about things that I can’t change now.

Until a few years ago when I found myself truly on my own. No husband. My kids were grown and on their own.

I realized that I was anxious and afraid a lot of the time. With lots of self-reflection and a deeper understanding I began a journey of personal growth.

My mindset changed to one of growth. Even though I was in my fifties, I began to live as if I was going to have a long life full of adventures, love, and fulfillment! 

As I developed a deeper understanding of the actual regrets of the dying, I began to live in such a way as to hopefully avoid some of those.

The Lessons of Regret from the Dying

First, you have to acknowledge that you have regrets. This is normal. We often live according to others’ expectations and this can lead to finding ourselves in a life we created, but don’t truly feel comfortable in. 

Based on the work of Bronnie Ware, here are the main regrets people who are dying have.

• They wished they had the courage to live a life true to themselves not the life others expected of them.
• They wished they hadn’t worked so hard.
• They wished they had had the courage to express themselves.
• They wish they had stayed in touch with friends.
• Finally, they wished that they had let themselves be happier.

Notice that none of the things on this list are about having more stuff, being thinner, or even about doing more.

The most common regret people have is wishing they had lived an authentic life true to themselves. allowed themselves to enjoy their life and be happy, and stay connected to others.

How to Live a Life With No Regrets

In my work as a professional life coach, the heart of my work is helping women have the courage to be true to themselves.

To me this is a lifelong spiritual journey because when we live our lives in alignment to our heart and soul, we not only improve our lives, we improve the lives of everyone around us.

This is not being selfish! When you live according to others’ expectations, you do not make your fullest contribution to the world.

And sadly, when you live only up to others’ expectations, you end up a shadow of yourself and often feel invisible as you age.

Components of a Life with no Regrets

Knowing all your parts, not just the ones you think are good

Living with authenticity

Building positive social connections

Expressing your true self

Allowing yourself to be happy

Let’s dig into these five components. Not only will this help you not have regrets later, but you are going to enjoy your life so much more now!

Get to Know All Your Parts, Not Just the Ones You Like

One of the biggest causes of unhappiness in midlife women is that they have banished all the parts of themselves that they consider bad.

Along with that, they try to avoid negative emotions.

The combination of these two things leads to a stunted emotional, mental, and even physical life. This is why, one day you wake up and wonder who you are.

In my experience, it is the parts of ourselves that we like the least, that are the most magical. They literally are your own person secret sauce!

This might be tough to imagine. How can that awkward, loud, bossy, wild, or [you fill in the blank] be a good part of you?

She is! But the responsible part of you decided that she was too much and you kind of pushed her aside.

If you take just one thing away from this post, take this. Those parts of yourself that you think aren’t acceptable are the most valuable, interesting, life-giving, and wonderful parts of you.

Live with Authenticity

If you want to end up with a huge amount of disappointment about your life, live without being true to yourself.

Look around and really look at people. You can literally see disappointment and regret on people’s faces. You can hear it in stories they tell.

Being true to yourself requires courage and clarity but it is also a way to live without the regret of giving up on yourself.

Often we abandon our authenticity to fit in with others: our families, our community, our schools, our friends, or our religions.

Women, as a group, tend to dread disappointing or letting others down more than anything. In my experience, women would rather give up all authenticity than let someone else down.

Since we’re often praised for that, we do it all our lives.

Then around 50, we wonder what we’re doing with our life. We can’t understand why we feel like something is missing even though we did all the right things.

Listen, the right thing for others may not be the right thing for you.

Build Positive Social Connections

Of all the regrets this particular regret is closely tied to our physical health. It is a well-known fact that positive social connections is good for our health.

Having positive social connections is considered as important as exercising and eating right.

This does not mean you need dozens of friends! Determining if you have positive social connections is 100% subjective. You get to decide if your connections work for you.

Also, note that it isn’t about having lots of social connections; it’s about having positive ones. If you are surrounded by people that pull you down, that isn’t positive.

This doesn’t mean you have to block all the negative nellies. However, you can gradually begin to distance yourself from people that have a negative impact on your emotional or mental health.

Lean into those friends and family that feel good to be around. It’s good for you and it’s good for them!

Express Your True Self

There are many reasons we don’t express our true selves. One is fear of failure, we’re not sure our expressions will be good enough.

Another reason is that we just can’t make ourselves get out of our comfort zone. My friends, your best and most joyful life is not in your comfort zone.

Sure, being in your comfort zone will feel safer, but eventually along with not expressing yourself, it will erode your zest for life and your vitality.

We thrive by expressing our true selves! 

Expressing yourself can take many forms.

• Telling the truth
• Creating in any way: writing, drawing, dancing, knitting, decorating, gardening.
• Participating in groups
• Writing in your journals
• Writing a blog, making online videos, building a social media account

I believe that expressing yourself is KEY to a satisfying life. We aren’t meant to keep everything inside.

Allow Yourself to Be Happy

Many of you believe happiness is in being a certain weight, having certain things, and doing certain things.

And sometimes we will feel happy for a moment or two.

But I believe that having a happy life is one where we allow ourselves to be happy about what actually makes us happy.

Happiness is a feeling that comes and goes. We actually cannot feel happy 100% of the time. We want to be people that feel sad, mad, frustrated, disappointed at times.

That’s normal and it helps us figure out life.

However, most of us trade true happiness for fake happiness.

Fake happiness is when we do things because we think we need to do them to be happy. This can be anything. Marrying someone because they are “right” on paper. Going to college for a degree that other people approve of. Buying a house in the right neighborhood.

It can be getting to a certain weight or dressing a certain way.

Fake happiness can be anything that you think should make you happy but doesn’t actually make you happy.

You’ll know fake happiness because it doesn’t feel good in your body. It feels like pressure in your chest. It feels like a punch in the gut. It can feel like your throat is closing up.

True happiness feels different. You feel it in your body. Your chest feels light or it might feel warm and cozy. You face lights up.

True happiness can come from things that require a lot of effort. True happiness can come from feeling gratitude for the simple things in your life.

True happiness can just be there as you take a walk, cuddle a child or pet, or chop vegetables.

Acknowledge happiness when you feel it, no matter when. Once when I was grieving, I felt a little happiness. At first I wanted to push it away. But instead I welcomed the respite. As the days and weeks went on, I began to feel better.

Practical Tips for a Life with No Regrets

• Say no when you want to
• Say yes to more things you want to do or try
• Make time for people in ways that build connection
• Most things take more time and are harder than we think they will be. That’s okay—stick with it anyway.
• Remember no one in the world knows what’s better for you than you do
• Wise people will come into your life—sometimes for a minute and sometimes for a lifetime.
• Learn to grieve and to laugh through bad times without letting them consume you.
• Forgive as much as possible
• Allow yourself to receivel ove. Not as easy as it sounds!
• Give others the benefit of the doubt.
• Above all else? Love yourself with compassion, kindness, and understanding.
• One of the best things about getting older is getting to the place that you might be finally ready to love and accept yourself.

Here’s what I know, when a woman finally loves and accepts herself, she lives with fewer regrets and with more vitality. I can literally see it on her face when this happens.

This is your most important work in life.