How to Have More Happiness in Your Life

After working entirely with women for the past five years, I think I cracked the case on why a lot of women don’t feel happy.

For many of my readers, they feel really blessed with what they have but it also feels like something is missing. Here’s how to have more happiness in your life and why it is more than okay to want this.

So, happiness isn’t a goal or something you can just create on demand. Well, you kind of can. I’ve written several posts on how to feel happier. We really can be intentionally happy.

But for this post, I am talking about a general sense of happiness. That disticnt feeling that you are a happy person, living a happy life, even though there are challenges as well.

For many of you, you don’t have this sense of overall happiness and it feels like it is something that is just out of reach.

Instead of feeling happy and optimistic, what I hear the most is that women are in general feeling bad and exhausted.

What’s Blocking Happiness?

What I’ve discovered in working with women, is that most women are truly doing too much for other people. You are sacrificing your wellbeing so others can feel better.

I’m going to go into this more extensively because I truly believe it’s at the heart of most women’s problems. But tied into this is this underlying belief that our time, energy, and wellbeing is not as important as other’s.

When you are chronically doing too much for other people, you often feel tired, frustrated, and resentful. I understand the desire to help others. But after decades of putting other people first, your personal happiness may not be as strong as you’d life.

In fact, instead of feeling the positive emotions that you used to, you may feel less enjoyment and find previous activities less rewarding.

We live so backwards crazy. We try so many things to be happy, except doing things that would actually make us happy. Sara Garska

Most women spend decades trying to keep everyone else happy and putting off their happiness until sometime, later, in the future.

So many of you count your blessings and appreciate so much about your daily life, but your overall life satisfaction may feel oddly off.

This isn’t just about moms or wives. Women can put their jobs, parents, siblings, church, and friends ahead of themselves. Women even put total strangers ahead of themselves at times.

You may never have even considered that there is anything wrong with this—in fact most of use were actively encouraged to put other people first.

I can tell you from the work I do with women that the number one fear I see is the fear of letting someone else down.

Instead, we let ourselves down in big and small ways, all the time. I believe this not only affects our mental and emotional health but eventually it catches up with our physical health as well.

No one gets to feel happy 24/7 or all the time. Yet, I believe you have access to more happiness than you currently believe you do.

Misconceptions About Happiness

For most of us, we’ve been convinced that we can find happiness in doing for others. Of course we’re allowed to have some hpbbies, a little self-care, maybe even a vacation now and then.

Here is the thing. after decades of over doing for others, you may be experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Of course, we still want to be connected to our family and other loved ones. We want to help and serve. Yet, I’m here to tell you that when this is out of balance, it can be a problem.

Most women have made a decision somewhere and sometime in their life that they will not let anyone down. I see this almost with everyone I work with.

We think if we can just do enough, we’ll finally feel those feelings of happiness we were promised.

That is a big fat lie and your true health depends on your ability to put yourself first. Or at the very least, put yourself equal to others.

I promise you, you won’t become a selfish person that everyone hates. When you treat your own happiness as a priority, everyone in your life benefits.

It’s such an amazing thing. When you have a sense of purpose and you are committed to your own well-being, that’s when you TRULY have a positive impact on others.

Just doing stuff for people, even out of love, will never give them, what being your best and authentic self can.

When you finally feel like your real self; that’s when you can finally experience real happiness.

How do you know that you aren’t as happy as you can be?

How Do You Know You Aren’t as Happy as You Could Be?

Many women come to me to help with overeating or binging. They can’t figure out why they can’t quit eating at night or grazing all day long.

This shows up in many habits: over drinking overeating, spending too much time on your phone. Or it can be not getting things done.

You feel trapped in this habits and despite good intentions every morning, still find yourself doing the thing or not doing the thing, despite trying to create healthy habits and make healthy choices.

It’s that whole, “I know WHAT to do but I just can’t make myself do it.”

Another way it can look, is long, never-ending days of work. Your body is so cranked up with pressure the only way to unwind is food, drink, TV, or scrolling on your phone. But you never really feel rested.

And a third way is in our relationships. 

Perhaps, you feel annoyed, frustrated, or disappointed with someone or several people. 

Here’s what will surprise you the most. Often, you can resolve all these situations, even relationships, by consistently working on your own happiness.

Here’s how to get started.

The People Pleasing Trap

For context, I was raised in the US, and I believe most women born in the US have been brought up to please others, before we please ourselves.

What is people-pleasing? Here’s my definition.

It’s when you say or do something that you believe will 1) keep the other person from getting mad or 2) please the other person.

Your comfort is DEPENDENT on how the other person feels. Your feelings are almost irrelevant. Your comfort depends on the other person either being pleased or at the very least not getting mad at you.

This is the comfort zone I see the most women trapped in.

You might not even see anything strange about that—that’s how ingrained it is in most of us. Aren’t we supposed to put other people first?

While on the surface people-pleasing seems benign, it’s actually very ugly and ultimately not good for you, your happiness, or even other people’s happiness.

Yet, there is a dark side to people pleasing.

You aren’t being true to yourself

You’re being untruthful to the other person

If the other person doesn’t respond as predicted or with gratitude, you grow resentful

But Sara, I’m a NICE person! I help others, that’s what nice people do. Aren’t we supposed to have compassion for others?

Sure, but nice people are often miserable people. At some point, like about now, you wake up and realize that you’ve been living for other people for years, probably decades, and you wonder where you’ve gone.

The long-term practice of putting other people first can leave you feeling like you are missing something in life or even feeling invisible.

Yep, somewhere along the way, you lose a sense of who you really are. You’ve become this role in life, mother, daughter, wife, partner, employee, or boss.

But who are you? And how to you have more happiness in your life?

When our energy goes into everyone and everything but ourselves, we lose a lot of our energy and our happiness.

So first, I want to assure you that giving up people pleasing is not going to ruin your life. In general, it will improve your life and the life of those around you.

It improves everyone’s lives because you show up best; when you show up as yourself. You feel your best, you act your best, and you radiate with all the best of you.

This is good for you, your health, your career, and your life.

How Do You Stop People Pleasing

First of all, you don’t have to do anything crazy. At the basic level, it means saying “yes” to what you want to say yes to and saying “no” to what you don’t want to do.

That little sentence seems so easy—yet in practice it can be tough.

A few months ago, my daughter asked me to take care of her new puppy for about a 10 hour stretch. For different reasons, it was a no-situation for me.

In my mind, I was sure she would be mad, hate me, quit talking to me. And this is what I thought about one of my closest most loving relationships!

So, was hard to say no to her!

I did, I simply said, “I won’t be able to do that this weekend.”

Despite all my internal drama, there wasn’t any drama on her side. She was okay and made other plans.

Saying no to one thing, doesn’t mean you never say yes. Later this summer, I’m keeping the little guy for six days, and while it’s a lot more work than the 10-hour example, I felt good about saying yes.

Right now, you’ve probably taught people that they can count on you. TO SAY YES. And it will feel super weird to sometimes say no. Or give your honest opinion. Or speak up for someone.

Feeling uncomfortable, does not mean you are doing anything wrong!

Here’s something that will help. If you can feel uncomfortable in the moment; you are going to save yourself lots of discomfort later.

The best thing though, is that you are finally, maybe for the first time ever, going to start living an authentic life. It might be a little messier but it’s going to feel oh, do good.

I believe, that when we live our authentic life, we feel better, we feel happier, and we feel more confident.

And everyone else?

I promise, they will just be fine.

Let Other People Be Themselves

It’s important to work on people-pleasing tendencies before you attempt this. You need to experience your own autonomy first.

Most people think other people should do things to make them feel better.

• Your children should behave a certain way
• Your partner should do this, and this, and certainly this
• Your partner should absolutely not do this
• Your mom/dad/sister/brother is so hard to get along with because of this
• Your co-worker does this wrong

If only EVERYONE else would start behaving—then you could feel better.

Here’s the thing. This is the most inefficient, undependable way to feel happier. You just can’t depend on other people to act in a way to make you feel better.

That’s not to say they won’t at times. People that love you will try.

But remember, they have their own desires, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They have a life experience that is different than yours.

Even your partner and children. They are not extensions of you.

You can of course have preferences and even boundaries.

Letting other people live their own lives, have their own feelings, and do their own thing is kind of scary.

I think for many women, we believe we have to fix, manage, and control everyone around us. We want to keep an iron grip on our loved ones.

This can feel like the safest thing to do. Who can do this but you?

Even if you aren’t actively giving advice or jumping in and doing, you probably spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about others.

Yes, you’re four-year-old needed direction and active parenting, but your 24-year old needs less.

Your husband or partner is also a capable being, no matter what you think. And trust me, I’ve heard the things you think about your partners.

This also applies to your personal world at large. Let other people be themselves! You don’t have to have an opinion on everyone, how they dress, what they weigh, where they work, or all of the other things that you might get upset about.

Why is this all important?

Because we spend so much time trying to manage everyone around us, that we lose ourselves. We literally lose our sense of self.

You might feel invisible, irrelevant, past your prime, or with your best years behind you.

That’s not true at all, even though it might feel like it.

Your very best time is right now. It’s actually the only time you have. So, instead of focusing on manipulating everyone and everything around you, let’s bring some of that focus back on yourself, your dreams, and your desires.

Take Care of Yourself

And now that you are ready to focus on yourself; what are you actually supposed to do? Your well-being is important and your personal happiness will truly make the world a better place.

At the most basic level, I believe you should have time every day to do the following:

• Eat your meals
• Spend time in reflection, prayer, quiet, or rest
• Exercise and move your body
• Have quality time with people
• Pursue meaningful work
• In addition, creating, exploring, socializing are important parts of our overall lives.

How are you doing?

Most women in my life-coaching experience do not prioritize even their basic needs such as good food, exercise, and rest.

Because we are so busy managing the world around us, we ignore and actively push away our most fundamental needs!

We focus on things that make us miserable and ignore or resist the things that could actually lead to more happy feelings!

Here’s the thing. When you take care of yourself—you’ll feel better. You’ll feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally.

You might not believe that it is even possible for you to take care of yourself or to have the time to do it.

I write to and work with midlife women. Most of you have raised your families and if you are married, your partner is a grown up.

Any time you spend taking time of other capable adults is time you can use for yourself instead.

Pick anything: rest, exercise, real meals, friendships

Make time for it. Schedule it. Literally, if you have to block time on your schedule, do it.

It’s only going to feel strange for a little while. Then you may just fall in love with this time. Your time.

When my clients do this, they discover whole new lives!

They enjoy their after-work hours because they either leave work at a reasonable time or close their computer for the night if they work at home.

They stop hyper-focusing on others and have more time for their own well-being.

This creates time for:

• Playing with your pets
• Going for walks or other regular exercise
• Creating, writing, making art
• Spending time with friends
• Moving and feeling great in your body
• Planning, preparing, and eating healthy meals
• Travel
• Spiritual practices
• Volunteering
• Practice gratitude

These are the things that breathe life into you. And I promise you will also have time to take care of your responsibilities too.

Making time for meaningful activities is good for your overall wellbeing, including your mental health, your emotional health, and your physical health.

Can You Really Have More Happiness in Your Life?

I believe you can create a more authentic happiness in your life by following these tips.

We kid ourselves about what makes us happy. Sure, the trappings of a good life can be appealing.

I can assure you that you can have all the nice stuff and still feel like something is missing. You can have the most loving partner and still feel like you are missing something in your life.

At first you’ll probably try new hobbies, new things, self-care, or creating good habits.

And none of that will really work. It’s so confusing. How can so much be right and you feel so wrong?

Here’s the thing. That real feeling of happiness comes only from living our lives authentically and truthfully.

That looks different for each woman.

Most of us get out of balance at times.

Of course, we care for other people, that’s an important part of life. But when we do too much for other people and neglect ourself, that just doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good for you or other people.

If you are tired of twisting yourself into a pretzel to make other people happy, I want to assure you that there is a different way of living that creates not just more happiness for you but uplifts everyone around you as well.