How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

You may not realize it but you may be beating yourself up mentally on a regular basis and not realize the harm you are doing to yourself, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Our self-talk can be harmful in all ways possible. But most of us think it is so normal to talk to ourselves this way that we can’t imagine being nice to ourselves.

But if you do one thing good for yourself, it’s this. This is just as important as how you eat and whether you exercise or not.

If you are wondering how to stop beating yourself up—congratulations. Many women are so used to talking bad to themselves, they don’t even know they are doing it.

Or they know they are doing it but think that it is a way to motivate themselves to change.

Learning to be less self-critical is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself! It is great for your mental health and can also be a positive influence on your physical health.

In my life coach practice, almost every woman I work with is up against something that isn’t working, and they can’t figure out why? They spend a lot of time beating themselves up because of this one thing that seems impossible to change.

• I can’t quit eating!
• I’m exhausted from work!
• My partner, child, parent, co-worker, or friend is driving me crazy!
• I just don’t know what is next for me…

These are brilliant and amazing women, who are generally doing great, but at this point, in their midlife, something is out-of-whack.

Many women identify as being a perfectionist and instead of having self-compassion for what they consider a weakness, they spend a lot of time shaming themselves about this one thing, no matter how well other things are going.

I see this kind of shame, mostly in a few areas.

It might be their eating. They can’t figure out why they can’t quit eating at night or overeating all weekend. Or they long to have time for walks or exercise but just can’t find the time, energy, or motivation.

It might be their job. They love what they do but somehow, they are now working so much, they always feel exhausted and don’t have the energy for things they want to do.

A relationship with a family member or partner can cause a lot of upset. Things can get strained in even the most loving relationships with partners, children, co-workers, or friends. It might feel like you’re being taken advantage of or that the other person isn’t working as hard as you.

Finally, there is often just a feeling of things not being quite right. Your inner critic can be harsh when we think things like, “we haven’t done enough,” or “it’s too late,” or “I missed my opportunities.

This negative self-talk is so harmful! It doesn’t get results and it is stressful on your body, mind, and spirit. Negative self-talk creates negative emotions and that not only does not feel good; it is harmful.

In my experience, no one is judging you, the way you judge yourself. Honestly every woman is her own worst critic. 

Positive self-talk is important and plays a part in learning to not beat yourself up. But this post will go beyond that.

Why Beating Yourself Up Doesn’t Work

At some point, we all face these kinds of things, and the solution can feel out of reach. That’s because we tend to try and solve these problems with the same thinking that created the problem.

Because most of us were raised to try and do our best, it feels bad to feel like we aren’t doing our best in some area. 

So, we tend to use our negative self-talk to motivate ourselves to do better. This may have even worked for a long time.

However, we find, it just doesn’t work like we think it should.

Also, when we are chronically stressed, we do not have access to see the possibilities available. When we’re stuck in an old pattern, we can only see one solution.

An example is work. One strategy that I’ve seen women use over and over is to keep working harder or longer. There is a belief if you can just do more, you might get ahead, and get some breathing room.

Unfortunately, what happens is you not only end up working more but people begin accepting this as your new normal. 

Here’s the problem. We find ourselves in situations that seem unsolvable, even though, in general, you are amazing at solving things!

Then we beat ourselves up about it. 

When we are overworked and overstressed, effective solutions just aren’t available to us. Yet, we spin in our minds trying to figure it out.

The problem is that our minds don’t hold the whole answer.

The answer is in you. This isn’t just some try to feel better hack, while your life still sucks.

What to do Instead of Beating Yourself Up

Here are the three steps that will get you moving in the right direction. Instead of beating yourself up for what you cannot seem to do; you can get to the root of the situation and create some momentum.

Become aware of what you really do want

The first step is to first become aware of what you do want. Not what your mind says you should want.

Many times, we become stuck because we are trying to achieve something that isn’t quite what we want. So, our body, mind, and heart are working in opposition.

A lot of times, we don’t even want to face this because even if we have an inkling of it, it kind of scares us.

Why? Because women are scared the most of letting people down or disappointing someone.

We will literally damage our bodies and souls before we purposely let another person down.

Here’s what I want to assure you. When you are aligned in body, mind, and spirt. It is better for everyone.

Identify what is between you and what you want

This might sound obvious. Of course, you know what is between you and what you want.

• Your partner needs to change
• Your boss needs to give you a break
• 20 pounds would change your life (many many women think weight is what is between them and what they want)

It might surprise you, but it is that kind of thinking that is between your and what you want. It is the belief that someone or something is getting in your way.

That’s how we were all raised for the most part, to believe we feel bad because of other people or things such as our weight.

That doesn’t mean we don’t want or need to change—it just means we’ve been going about it all wrong.

However, it is way easier and much more effective to change your beliefs. Most of the people in your life are pretty good. But people just can’t be depended on to do things to get you want you REALLY want.

That’s your job. What is between you and what you want is most always your beliefs, how you think about things, and how you feel.

Here’s a secret. Most of the time, there is a sneaky kind of thought, that is so ingrained, you don’t even realize it’s a belief. And all a belief is, is something you have thought so many times you believe it is true.

As a life coach, I gently challenge beliefs. Once a woman has awareness; it is impossible to go back to old beliefs 100%.

And that little opening into possibilities, makes all the difference. Instead of feeling completely stuck, you can catch a glimpse of what could be different.

Take action that is aligned with your true desires

One of the most overlooked strategies is to not take action until you’ve done steps one and two.

Here’s the thing, we could take the exact same action and get completely different results depending on what we are thinking and how we feel.

As we all have experienced, we do not get our best results when we feel angry, frustrated, or defeated.

Nothing wrong with feeling any of those things, we all do. But when we try to take impactful action, we probably won’t have the impact we hope for.

When we instead, really get clear on what we want, and work on our beliefs around that, a whole new way of being, becomes available to us.

Aligned action comes from when you feel peace, confidence, and sure. You don’t have to be 100% there. Even a small shift can change things dramatically.

Then life can change and it’s always for your best.