7 Reasons Why Self Help Doesn’t Always Work

Many of you are aware of how competent you are. Like, seriously, you get stuff done. However, to your surprise you find yourself sometimes wondering why you can’t make something work.

Most of the time, we (myself included) double down and try harder. And it still doesn’t work. Here’s why self help doesn’t always work.

Now, I am not against self help, I love doing my own self help processes. But sometimes, I get stuck and need some help.

I’m talking about those things that have been hanging over your head for years.

We want to change, break a bad habit or get something done, but we just can’t seem to make ourselves do it.

Another scenario is that our own efforts just aren’t as good or as effective as if we had some help.

This can be things like cleaning out a room or even a closet. It can be something like starting a new side-business. It can be addressing over-eating or over-drinking.

“I Should Be Able To”

Yep, how many times have you said that to yourself?

“I should be able to…”

Of course you should! You are so good at so many other things.

Here’s the thing. All of us, every single one of us, has things we struggle with.

All of us, have certain things that we think we should be able to do but for some reason we just can’t, (I’ll go into those in a bit,) we struggle and it is painful.

When Self Help Didn’t Work for Me

I am a do-it-yourself person most of the time. And like most women, I’ve been successful sometimes and other times, I just can’t do it.

One of my favorite examples was when I first created my website, My Think Big Life. I decided to do it myself. And it was NOT easy because I also decided to learn to make it a custom one.

To my credit, I did create a working website where I began writing weekly posts for midlife women. It was also kind of ugly.

At that time, I was afraid to spend the money to have a professional fix it for me. I kept my homely, though loved, website like that for THREE years before, trying to fix it myself, until I finally committed to having it professionally designed.

I look back on that decision to spend what seemed like a fortune, around $5K, as the best financial decision I’ve made to date.

At the time, I didn’t realize how embarrassed I was about my website, I wasn’t proud of how it looked.

Also, going through the process of really thinking about what I wanted my website to reflect was so helpful. I thought I would just pay someone to do all the work, and voila, I’d have a beautiful website.

Not so. My developer had me dig deep. I had to put a lot of work into the purpose, the meaning, the visuals, the copy, the fonts, and so many other decisions.

In the end, I had a beautiful website that I was in love with. More importantly, the process solidified what I was doing.

When I was trying to do it myself, I just was winging it without a clear purpose. After the process of working with my amazing designers, I felt confident and proud. I mark the day the new website launching as the day my new life began.

I had struggled for THREE years to get my business going. With the new website, I began making money on a steadily increasing basis immediately and eventually has provided a full-time living.

So, if there is something you are struggling with that you can’t seem to get done, this post is for you. I’m going to share why DIY doesn’t always work and what you can do about it.

The Drawbacks of Trying to Do Some Things Yourself

• Can take longer
• Can be more expensive
• Feels more painful

7 Reasons Why Do It Yourself Doesn’t Work

Lack of accountability

Accountability isn’t always needed. No one has to remind me or check on me to make sure I exercise. I love my workouts and I happily do them most of the time.

No one has to hold me accountable for my morning routine of coffee, prayer, and journaling.

However, when I was building my business, working with a coach helped me stay on track even though we weren’t specifically working on that.

Here is something important to keep in mind. As a life coach, I approach accountability differently than what most of us think it is.

It isn’t about performing or doing it right for your coach. I’m not going to reinforce the way we usually talk to ourselves.

I start each session, going over, what went well. Research shows that concentrating on our wins, forward progress, and what we are doing well is way more effective than concentrating on where we think we are falling short.

In fact, a lot of times, you spend so much time telling yourself how bad you are doing; you totally don’t give yourself credit for what you DID do.

Instead of trying to correct things that aren’t really a problem, we can concentrate on doing more of what works and less of what isn’t.

This is so powerful!

Knowing I would be talking to my coach each week, kept me moving forward though, because I wanted to let her know my wins and successes and when I got stuck, she really helped me break through my limiting beliefs.

None of us needs to be accountable to someone all the time or for everything. Nevertheless, for certain things that are holding us back or frustrating us, getting help can be super helpful.

Becomes more expensive overall

What we put off always ends up costing us somehow. In my example with my website, having my developer move 100+ blog posts to the new site made the overall project more expensive when I finally did it.

Another example is something as simple as needing to clean out your closet that is stuffed full of clothes or a pantry that is stuffed full of food.

I was helping someone move last summer and one thing I noticed was there were so many multiples of things. When you can’t see what we already have, you end up buying items you already have and don’t need more of.

And what about the costs of overeating or overdrinking? Hours feeling terrible. Stressed relationships. All that wasted food or alcohol. Over-consuming is wasteful and costly. Plus, these kinds of things cost you, your overall health as well as your emotional and mental health.

Life gets in the way

When we are on the DIY track for something that we aren’t actually making progress on, we find so many reasons to push it off.

There is always a wedding, birthday, holiday, hard work days, vacation, losses, and any other number of things.

When we are trying to do something on our own that is difficult in the first place, it is so easy to avoid it by concentrating more on the things that “get in the way.”

Sunk cost fallacy

This one is a big one. You feel like you’ve already invested so much time and/or money into DIY, you are loathe to give it up.

It’s kind of irrational to keep doing something that doesn’t work. But we get around that in our minds by telling ourselves that we are going to do it, even though we have years of not doing the thing.

You could spend a few more years, or you could get some help or have someone else do it. I promise you, this will save you so much mental and emotional energy, you will wonder why you didn’t do it before.

Feelings get in the way

This is probably one of the biggest reasons trying to deal with something ourselves can be so difficult.

We aren’t expecting the feelings or we’re not even aware of them! Most of you believe if you feel bad about something, it means you’re doing it wrong or that something is wrong.

I teach women all the time that their feelings are the most important thing and that they are also not something to hold them back.

The language of your feelings, which are just reactions in your body, rarely mean what you think they mean and concurrently hold all of the answers to everything you struggle with.

Here’s the secret to doing anything.

• Having the belief you can do it
• Creating the feelings you need to fuel it
• Dealing with the unhelpful beliefs and thoughts and the uncomfortable feelings that keep you from doing the thing

In a nutshell, there is so much going on unconsciously and that is what is truly holding you back.

Until the unconscious becomes conscious, you are going to be stuck.

Decision fatigue

When we having something hanging over us, it can be exhausting. Maybe it’s something you face daily, such as your closet that needs cleaned out.

Maybe it’s something you face hourly, such as the urge to overeat.

Maybe it’s something you face minute by minute.

All day long, you are making a decision to do or not do the thing. It’s tiring and leaves you with even less energy and makes it even more difficult to do the thing.

Willpower is exhaustible

When you are trying to create a new habit or get rid of a bad habit, relying on willpower alone doesn’t get the job done for good.

That’s why most people who starts diets, give up very quickly. Willpower gets weaker the more you use it rather than stronger.

Most of you believe that your willpower will get stronger if you exercise it more. Instead it gets weaker and that leaves you vulnerable to cravings or urges for something you are trying to give up.

Since most things take longer than you think they will, it’s important to learn to move past using only willpower.

When to Get Help if DIY Isn’t Working?

Today.

• Call the plumber, painter, electrician, or cleaning person
• Take the class to get you going
• Find a life coach to support you (I know a great one!)
• Join a support group, online or in person. This can be very helpful.
• Work with a therapist
• Hire a personal trainer
• Have a professional organizer help you with clutter

Remember it costs MORE to let a problem go on for months, years, or even decades. Life is so much more enjoyable when you aren’t weighed down by what you aren’t doing that you want to do or when you are doing something you don’t want to be doing.

Today! Get the help you need.