How to Love Yourself When You Don’t Know How

Many of you have no idea how to love yourself in a compassionate and authentic way. This post will walk you through a process that teaches you how to love yourself when you don’t know how.

In all my years of working with people, I would say that not being able to love yourself is the root of every single problem you have.

I recently wrote updated a post called 11 Ways to Love Yourself and I realized it was all about things TO DO to show yourself self-love but didn’t really address all the reasons we don’t love ourselves and what to do about it.

This post is going to be a little different. I want to show you in a tangible way that you can improve how much you love yourself, just by reading this post.

So, think about how much you love yourself on a scale of 1 to 10.

10 means you believe with your whole heart that you are the most amazing person and you love yourself unconditionally.

1 means you think you don’t deserve any self-love because there is something wrong with you or you’ve made too many mistakes. 

I want to add here, that many of you don’t consider yourself worthy of self-love, simply because of how your body looks. Don’t overthink this, just write the first number that comes up for you.

Write that number down. That is your baseline.

As a professional life coach I work mostly with women over the age of 50 who are looking for help with eating, relationship, career, or personal issues.

At the core of every so-called problem is a lack of self-love and a lack of self-care. 

Over the years, the abandonment of loving our self, leads to a feeling of something missing in life. By this time women have an abundance of negative thoughts, shame, and negative emotions. 

So, I want to say that every one of my clients is an amazing woman who are admired in their lives for their kindness, work ethic, and care of others. 

The problem is that by the time you are in you fifties, this kind, hardworking, selfless person you’ve become, is also worn out, exhausted, and confused as to why.

Why do you feel terrible, when you’ve tried to do everything the right way?

Do You Deserve Self Love?

Did it take you a second or two to answer that question? You know the right answer is probably yes, but I know there is a part of you that says, absolutely, “No!”

Most of you focus on your flaws, your bad habits, your depression or anxiety, and weaknesses. Nothing you have done or are doing comes close to that idea you have about your perfect self.

And having not achieved your vision of perfect, of course you can’t be worthy of love!

Now for the record, I do not believe any of that. I believe you are absolutely worthy of love, healthy relationships, self-respect, and self-acceptance.

However, I also know that it is incredibly difficult for you to give all of this to yourself. 

So, for now, suspend the judgment of whether you are worthy or not. I believe you are. In fact, I know you are worthy of self-love. You don’t have to earn it or wait for it.

Recently in a session with a new client, she asked at the end, “Is this what I can expect at the end of each session? To feel so good and hopeful?”

I said, “Yes, that is always my aim. I help you shift each time we work together, so you are different, without having to try and be different.”

That’s what I am aiming for here. I’m writing it in a way, that will leave you different. And that difference will be that you see the possibility that you can love yourself.

Let’s dive in to the process. Here’s how to love yourself when you don’t know how.

Possibility

Every single change we make in ourselves, starts with believing it is possible. Think about it, we rarely attempt things that are impossible. It wouldn’t even make sense. 

Now, here is the really cool part. You do not have to believe in this possibility 100%. If you only believe a teeny tiny bit that it is possible, that is enough.

Since I have told you that it is possible, you can borrow my belief for now. 

It is Possible to Love Yourself

Loving yourself is not an overnight thing. That being said, the beginnings of it can happen very quickly. 

Do you feel a little hope? Is there a little light in your body? Do you want to believe it is possible?

Any of those things are enough to get started. Just a little bit of hope that it could be possible.

How to Create Possibility

When I am making a jump to a new belief, I start with the fertile ground of possibility. This is where every change begins. 

I love to journal, and when I am starting on a new belief, I often phrase it in the words of possibility.

Years ago, when I started my life coaching business, I started with zero clients as everyone starts. I had never built a business before and while I was confident in my abilities I had no idea where clients would come from.

I started telling myself that it was possible to find clients. After a while, I saw the evidence that women were signing up for consultations. 

However, they weren’t actually showing up.

But I stuck to my belief that it was possible. Eventually women began coming to consults. To decide not to work with me.

Eventually, because I never wavered on possibility, I built a thriving life coaching business. Every step I took was based on my belief in the possibility. I didn’t do the things I did because I thought it was impossible.

Do you see the difference? 

You literally cannot change when you don’t believe it is possible!

Acceptance

Acceptance of yourself, exactly where you are and how you are is the next step and will be a little uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing, no loving yourself and indulging in a lifetime of negative thoughts and negative emotions is way more uncomfortable! These will affect your mental health and even your physical health.

You’ve spent your whole life trying to love others to the best of your ability. This is your time to treat yourself as good as you would your best friend or partner.

Accepting the Parts of Yourself That You Don’t Like

I have a master’s degree in counseling so I’ve always been aware of the concept of shadow sides or shadow work.

But it wasn’t until I was in my life coaching practice that I really understood these parts of women. For one thing, the term shadow side is enough to scare anyone away from doing that kind of work!

So, let me say it this way. You have parts of yourself that you don’t love. You have parts of yourself that you either actively push away or that you’ve almost forgotten. 

Every one of you has these parts, that maybe were a part of your childhood, but for some reason, as you grew older you decided these parts were unacceptable and you pushed them away.

I’ve written about these parts before in my post, How to Not be Invisible After 50. Often these parts seem like they would ruin your life if you let them out.

To me, they always seem like our “bad girl” or “wild girl” parts. They weren’t truly bad but they were a little reckless, wild, bold, , “too much”, inappropriate, or irresponsible.

What I want to tell you right now is that these parts of yourself are magic and amazing. They are what is amazing about you. What you may have decided was “too much” is that part of you that is vibrant and alive.

Accepting All Your Feelings and Emotions

Emotions are everything but they aren’t what you think they are.

Being emotional is thought of as something bad. What people view as bad is the way we act when we have emotions.

In my work, I teach women how to feel their feelings. Most of you worry that if you “give in” to an emotion, it will take over.

It won’t. When you just let it be there without judgement it processes and dissipates. What causes problems are all the things we do to push a feeling away or when we react to it.

I’ll use anger as an example, since it’s kind of taboo and a feeling we tend to fear.

Someone says something to you and you feel like you got punched in the gut (often there is a noticeable physical sensation) and we know we feel angry.

But it’s not okay to be angry, right?

So, we push it down or away and tell ourselves, “It’s okay.” or “Just let it go.” Later on we can’t figure out why we are face down in a pint of ice cream or why we’re picking a fight with our partner.

Or we might think our anger is justified and we react to the person who said the thing. We let them have it with our words.

Later we feel terrible, but we kind of do the same thing. We try to push these feelings away and we might numb in some way.

Here’s the thing. We’re going to get triggered. We’re going to feel anger.

When it happens, just let it be there. All feelings are welcome. Let it be there until the physical sensation goes away.

At that point, you will have access to your best thinking again and your actions will be better for you.

Learning to love your own emotions and accept them is a big part of loving yourself.

Letting go

There are three things I’m going to address here. Letting go of perfection, letting go of the idea of imperfection, and letting go of other people’s opions.

These three things alone could be a post! 

Letting Go of Perfection

Almost every woman I work with has an idea of what perfect should be. We believe, even though it is impossible that we need to be perfect.

And if we can’t be perfect, we should at least be trying for it, right? Who in their right minds would not be aiming for perfection?

My friend, perfection is a made up notion. It’s also subjective. Yet, most of you stubbornly hang onto this idea of what your perfect would look like.

To make matters worse, we want everything in our lives to be perfect! Perfect partner, perfect kids, perfect body, perfect house, and perfect job.

Then we spend most of our time, being upset that everything isn’t perfect.

This is a game you cannot win. There is NO SUCH THING as perfect. There is what is.

Of course you can want to change something. But letting go of the idea of perfect will create more peace and calm.

Letting Go of Imperfection

Lie perfection, imperfect is a mad up construct. We humans love to categorize things and put them into buckets. Good/Bad, perfect/imperfect, wanted/not wanted.

Yet, everything is a continuum. Nothing is absolute. I like to think of things as aligned or not aligned with what I want. 

And by labeling something imperfect you totally miss the gifts and joys that it brings to your life.  Your flaws do not make you imperfect!

You break down your own self-esteem when you insist that you are imperfect and miss out on the opportunity to build your self-worth and your unique talents. 

Often our greatest contributions and gifts to others are planted within our so-called imperfections.

I wrote a post a long time ago called Your Imperfections Make Your Perfect.

Letting Go of What Other’s Think

My friends, I know that all of you hate the idea of letting someone down or of disappointing someone. Other’s opinion of you matters more than your opinion of yourself. 

This is something I see almost across the board. It is so ingrained as to feel natural.

However, concern over what other’s think can be harmful to yourself. We do it all the time. We acquiesce to what someone else wants or expects.

What I see is tired, exhausted, discouraged, disappointed, and resentful women. Oh, most people don’t notice. But I see it in the faces of women. They are going through the motions but their vitality and spirit is almost nonexistent.

You are a worthy human. You deserve to be first in your own self-compassion without any guilt. Your soul needs this! When you put yourself last over and over, it beats you down. 

Others will not suffer because you have boundaries and self-compassion. When you are taking care of yourself, you are showing yourself love.

When you feel loved, you are better for everyone.

Building the Belief

To wrap this up, continue to build on the belief that you are lovable and worthy of love. 

Positive Affirmations and Positive Thoughts

Most of us have so much practice with negative self-talk. It can be a good practice to begin using positive language to yourself.

When you catch yourself saying something mean, acknowledge it but also remind yourself that you aren’t going to talk to yourself that way any more.

You might write some positive affirmations out as a reminder.

• I am worthy of love
• I am committed to loving myself as much as I love others
• Loving myself is wonderful for everyone
• When I feel loved, I am showing up as my best self

Activities that Reinforce Self-Love

I love to do activities that reinforce the love I feel for myself. Here is a post that goes into that more fully.

The gist though, is to do things for yourself, that show yourself that you love her. Buy her nice things. Take her out on fun adventures. Buy flowers for her. Wear her favorite perfume. Use the best dishes.

Appreciate Yourself

One of the greatest feelings is gratitude and appreciation. A lot of times we are grateful for things that come to us or that others do.

I recommend that you spend time appreciating yourself. No matter how imperfect you think you are, you do amazing things!

You can do this daily and write out the things you appreciate about yourself.

• You walked the dog
• You went to work
• You rested when you were tired
• You let your partner make dinner 
• You rested
• You ate foods you enjoyed

Or you can keep a big list that you add to a few times a week. Let yourself go wild and broad with all the things you admire about yourself. 

This will help build your self-love and also help you see what a valuable person you really are.

How to Love Yourself When You Don’t Know How

Do you feel some of the possibility now? You never ever have to wait for someone to tell you that you are lovable. You can create that love for yourself right now.

The cool thing is that as we begin to believe in our own lovableness, others will be attracted to us in a more loving way. People will treat you better because as someone who loves yourself, you don’t accept anything else.

So, lets ask the question again: Think about how much you love yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 you believe with your whole heart that you are the most amazing person and you love yourself unconditionally.

Did your number go up? Did it go up a fraction of a number? Let these ideas marinate or perculate. Save this post and work your way through the ideas.

You literally make the world a better place when you love yourself. It is worth the time and in the end, it truly feels wonderful.

And isn’t that what we all want? We want to feel wonderful.